My Baby loss story By stephanie & Jamie

13th May 2020

I fell pregnant at 21, it was a huge shock and I found out the day we had got home from Ibiza! After coming to terms with it the excitement set in, I had always wanted to be a great mum. Myself and my Jamie were all excited and booked a private early scan. Everything was perfect she said, I was nearly 7 weeks, baby was healthy and that is all that mattered to me.

The very next day I was at work when I felt a sudden pain in my stomach and then a dribble. I ran to the toilet to find I had started to bleed, I panicked and phoned my mum and we rushed straight to A&E where Jamie meet us there. I was sick with worry, but the doctors basically said there was nothing  they could do until I went to Wishaw for a scan tomorrow. I continued to bleed heavily through out the next day and expected the worst, but when we got to Wishaw the next day the baby was fine! I was diagnosed with a Sub chorionic hematoma. This is a blood clot next to the pregnancy sac, sometimes they heal themselves. Mines was rather large and gave me lots of pain. for the next 7 weeks it was constant in and out of ambulance and hospital, each time losing huge blood clots. I remember one time my mum had said I looked like death warmed up.

On 28th September 2018 I was 14 weeks pregnant. I had started bleeding clots again so went in to Wishaw. I didn’t feel as bad but they kept me in just to make sure. I told Jamie and my mum to leave and that I would be fine. Soon as they left I started taking severe pains. I tried to tell my midwife how sore I was but she asked me to get and walk into the other room where I would be kept. Little did I know I was then put in a ward with women who were all full term in labour. The pains worsened and I could feel Huge clots again, I couldn’t move and the midwife had left the buzzer on the wall so I just had to sit in extreme pain until finally someone came to help. I was rushed straight round to the delivery room, Being sick with adrenaline. I was scared to worry Jamie so I called my mum who drove up with my best friend. That’s when eventually the doctor told me “there was no heartbeat” My whole world collapsed and Jamie wasn’t even there yet.

Finally Jamie arrived and we both just cried for hours. I had to take to take a pill which would push on “Labour”. Sure enough on the 29/09/18 I had to deliver my little girl Maddison Angel Halkett. (We weren’t sure of the sex, but mother’s Instinct told me it was a girl from the start) I was luck Maddison was born in the sac, so she was fully formed, ten fingers ten toes, this tiny little human being. I just remember crying  to the midwife that I didnt want it to be over.

I was frightened to have Maddison beside me to begin with, but once I seen her and held her I didn’t want to let go. After that the whole experience was just sureal. I could hear babies being born in the same ward, why wasn’t that me? I kept blaming myself.

We had Maddison blessed in the hospital. I didn’t want to leave the hospital, the thought of the outside world TERRIFIED me. I was scared people would ask  how the pregnancy was, what if I seen a women with a baby when I was in the shops ? and when I did finally walk out the hospital doors leaving my little girl I burst into tears on the bench outside. It hit me that life was still carrying on and I could see parents walking in with car seats to have their babies and I was devastated that it wasnt me. We had photos taken of Maddison in Wishaw which,  then got lost and had to be taken again, this upset me even more as her little body was much weaker.

We had a proper funeral which I’m glad for because I get to have somewhere to see her when ever I like. I still struggle with what we went through. Some days I’m moody and irritable and don’t want to associate with the outside world , but now I just accept that some days are going to be worse than others and its okay to feel that way. Its one of these things you just don’t think will happen to you. It doesn’t help either when people say “everything happens for a reason” or ” there must have been something wrong” that really infuriated me!! I have good days and bad days and some nights I cant sleep replaying the full story in my head every conversation to the word.

 

Baby loss retreat organised respite for me and Jamie and honestly I think it saved me. We had time to be ourselves and reflect. It is SO important to talk. I will never ever let anyone forget that fact that myself and Jamie have 2 babies. I fell pregnant quickly after Maddison, and we now have a son. He is my light at the end of the tunnel but I always tell him about his sister.

Keeping your feelings about this bottled  up can lead to dangerous thoughts. Experiencing a baby loss changes your entire life. It strains your relationship, it can cause mental health trauma can change your social  life but it also has changed my outlook on life and one day Ill be reunited with my baby. With a good support system around you. You can get through it. Baby loss retreat is like a safe haven for me, Occasionally the charity checks in and I just know I can tell them exactly how I’m feeling, If I’m struggling I tell them or If I’m having a really  good day. It has taken me 2 years but I can honestly say I’m starting to feel like myself again, I’m proud of my Journey and me and Jamie will always love our first born baby.

 

love Stephanie Boyle & Jamie