Being pregnant after losing a Baby
Hi my Name is Julie
I had a loss in 2003 and after everything I had been through, I just wanted another baby, then a year later in 2004 after trying I fell pregnant. The day I done the pregnancy test and it came back that I was pregnant I had mixed emotions I was happy and excited but scared. When I went to the doctors to have it confirmed that I was pregnant thats when the anxiety really started, I was scared to do anything, scared to eat certain foods and didn’t want to go to work. I was to scared to even move in case I put my baby in danger. I know people were saying “that’s great your pregnant” but inside I was so scared.
The day I was due my first scan I remember having this sick feeling in my stomach and my hands were sweating so much. I remember sitting in the waiting room waiting for them to call my name and just keep thinking please hurry and call me because I need to find out everything is ok. The radiographer then came out and called my name I got up off the chair and was shaking so much I felt like I was going to faint and my heart was racing so much. When I entered the double doors and was going into the same room that I was told that my little girl Erins heart had stopped and my heart sunk. I got up on the bed and just gripped the bed and prayed that everything was going to be ok. I closed my eyes and when the radiographer was scanning my belly and not saying anything caused me to feel uneasy. She turned the screen round and told me that everything was ok and could hear the heartbeat. I was just so happy and made me feel a little bit better. As the weeks went on, I started to show and could feel movements I started to get obsessed with checks on how many kicks the baby was doing a day. I was constantly googling things like apps to check baby’s heartbeat, I downloaded an app that was on my phone (Can’t remember what it was called) and you could put it to your belly and it would pick up the babys heartbeat. I was checking baby’s heart beat every morning and night, but one morning I couldn’t get the baby heart beat and I started crying and was so scared I phoned my midwife and she asked my why I was using one of them and that they would not always pick up the baby’s heartbeat. She told me to come up to the surgery and she would check everything was ok. I went up to surgery and she checked me over and everything was ok but that didn’t stop me using the app I started to use it more regularly so I knew where to put it and what position if I used it more. As I was getting near my due date when I lost Erin at 37 weeks, I couldn’t sleep at night I was constantly going for a bath checking movements. I was so obsessed with checking everything was ok I was making myself ill and wasn’t enjoying the pregnancy at all. I just wanted it all over and done with because I couldn’t cope being pregnant anymore. I would constantly cry when in the bath or if I was on my own as I couldn’t cope. I felt I was a bad mother because I just wanted my baby out. At 36 weeks the hospital brought me in to be induced early because of what happened to Erin. Arriving that day to be induced I was so happy that I was going to have a baby soon and all this stress and worry would be away and that I could enjoy my baby but god was I wrong. Demi was born 11th February 2005 the labour was so hard because it brought back memories of delivering Erin. Demi was born 8am in the morning she came out weighing 6lbs 3ounces, she was screaming and I was so happy that it was all over with and a relieve that she was born safely. I remember been in the room myself and demi was in the crib and I just looked over at her and didn’t know how I felt I didn’t have any emotions or feelings I just felt empty. I didn’t think anything of it we then moved up to a room on my own and Bryan had to go home for a sleep. I just cried and didn’t know what to do I just felt I was left to deal with my baby on my own after everything that happened before. It was a couple hours later before anyone came in to see if I was ok and to move me to a ward.
I got home 2 days later and was so tired and exhausted I kept looking at demi because I couldn’t believe she was here and she was mines. That night demi cried non stop for 6 hours, maybe more and I couldn’t cope I cried and told Bryan to take her I felt like I was a bad mother because I couldn’t cope with my baby crying, I just wanted her to stop. I went to bed and put a pillow over my ears so I couldn’t hear her crying. I feel asleep but when I woke, I still felt really bad I felt like I can’t do this no more and its only been day one. I know people will be thinking why? this is your baby you always wanted. I don’t know why I couldn’t understand myself why I was feeling like this, I felt empty and wanted to scream and leave the house. Two weeks later it was time for Bryan to go back to work after 2 weeks Paternity leave. I didn’t want him to go I was scared how am I going to dealing with demi screaming on my own. Demi was later found to have colic which I didn’t understand what that was and was giving stuff to put in her milk. Before I was told this demi would scream non stop for hours. When Bryan went back to work, I tried to get into a routine, I would get up and feed demi, clean the house etc but that was a struggle just do the simple things. I was so tired all the time I suffered from thyroid and just kept putting it down to that. One day I got up and it was a really bad day I was up with demi during the night she was screaming most of the day and couldn’t settle her at all I remember been up the stairs with demi she was screaming and screaming I was shouting SHUT UP !! and then something clicked and I was like what am I doing screaming at my baby I just wanted to die what kind of mother screams at her baby I hated myself so much. I then realised I had to go and speak to someone I phoned the doctor the next day and they gave me appointment to go and speak to doctor which I did. I explained how I was feeling and that I just wanted to die and that I shouted at my baby I didn’t want to do anything get dressed or washed it was like an effort to do it. I felt exhausted and cried all the time and didn’t want to be near demi. I felt like I had a blank feeling in my stomach and the list went on. I was then told I may have post-natal depression and was put on medication. I started the medication but doctor did say they would take 3 months to work I had no support with demi except from Bryan when he came in from work. I felt isolated from the world.
This is partly why we started the charity. It is to help others going through the same feelings, emotions or just needing the support. People think because a person’s pregnant again that everything is ok and that they are happy again but inside we are scared. Anxiety is high and really can’t enjoy being pregnant even though we would love to be but deep inside we are sick with worry that its going to happen all over again. Please if someone is pregnant, please don’t assume that they are fine they need as much support as they can around them. I wasn’t sure writing this because I didn’t know how people would see it that I was a bad mum but I wasn’t I was just ill. Mental health is an illness and the more people open up about it the more help they can get. I believe I got through this is by telling my story about my feelings and accepting that I needed help. There is people who care and want to help thank you for reading my story.